Back To The Basics.

Its been a minute, welcome back! Also, thanks for coming back.. haha. If you’ve been keeping up with The Tipsy Mami you know what time it is, if this is your first time.. grab a drink, take a shot.. whatever will help you be vulnerable enough with yourself to understand that I’m making myself vulnerable in the hopes that one of you connects and doesn’t feel so alone.. I truly believe that if I hadn’t felt so alone going through some shit in life I would’ve been able to handle things better.

Now, if you’ve read the first post then you have the back-story to today’s post.. If you haven’t, I suggest reading it to help you better understand.

Like usual, I’m not too sure exactly how this will go but it’s been a rough couple of days.. honestly we could probably go back like 2-3 weeks. See, there’s been a lot of gains as well as loses. Now, being the emotional pandoras box that I am somethings were handled better then others & other things took more processing then what I’d like to admit. Non the less, it fucked with my anxiety and yesterday it hit my depression.. HARD. I have people I’ve talked to about what set me off & while it did effect me, I was keeping inside what was really going on.

I prefer to take care of my people, I’m the nurturer.. always making sure everyone is good, making sure I’m praying over them and trying to lighten their load. Making sure that they open up to me so I know what’s going on and what is lacking and what I can do to fix whatever is wrong. The way I see it they each deserve everything good in the world.. they deserve everything that they work their asses for, whether its family, their careers or starting their own brand and creating their legacies. I’m sure there’s a few that get annoyed with my checking on them but I can’t help it. I’m the one that makes sure everyone’s mental and emotional health is a priority because if they’re not okay I damn sure won’t be okay.

With that said, it has taken a lot of time to be able to ask for help when I need it. When I’ve completely drained myself and begin to shut down. I do my best to still check-in on my people and give them whatever I have left. I do my best to keep my demons at bay but when I’m low I can’t help it. Even with my antidepressants, shit gets dark.

See, I had gotten to a point where I felt like I wasn’t advancing but everyone around me was. I felt worthless. Like I couldn’t do anything to be as great. I stopped loving myself for who I am. I had completely lost all my motivation in everything that I did. I had hit a point where praying about it didn’t feel like it was helping, I found myself mad at God for creating me to be someone that feels as heavily as I do. I was mad at Him for creating me with the chemical imbalances that I have. When I say that even sometimes my antidepressants don’t help it actually translates to even when I’m taking them I can get low to the point where I want to self-mutilate. Now, if you know me at all you know that that’s something I’ve struggled with for a while.. & a while is since shortly after my fathers passing.. in ’04... that’s 16 years of fighting with myself mentally and emotionally not to hurt myself physically. See, for me the cut of the blade on my skin brings me back from an emotional reality to a physical one. Along with the fact that when I’m feeling low like that I convince myself that the best I deserve, is that pain.

That’s heavy huh?.. chances are if you didn’t know that about me before you probably wouldn’t have guessed it went that far.. to be honest, sometimes I forget how bad things can get if I don’t take care of myself and give all of me to those around me.

I was created to take care of those around me, I was created to feel deeply so I can connect with people so they don’t feel alone. (Clearly, I don’t always have the best handle on myself but I’m working on it)

See, I had forgotten about the basics… instead of feeding my soul and spirit I was completely draining it.

I have the privilege of having some really incredible people in my life. I reached out to two of my soul sisters, immediately one reached out on the side & offered to take care of me how I do everyone else. She helped with papi when we started budding heads and all I could say to him was “okay, you got it I don’t have it in me to this right now” .. without missing a beat she said “I have it in me” & handled it (it wasn’t anything crazy I just couldn’t). My other soul sister (who would’ve shown up as well but she had to work & I understand that and do not hold it against her for a second) made sure to check-in when she could, she also prayed over me and reminded me of the basics as well. My cousin reminded me that its okay not to be okay, that sometimes if I don’t force myself to take time to myself I spiral. My sons godfather reminded me of the love that God has for me and that I was created perfectly.

How is it that its so easy for me to tell my people to make sure they’re taking care themselves but I don’t?.. lol I’m ridiculous but it fine.

Reaching out and letting my people know I was struggling was the best thing I did for myself. Having the right people around to help save me from myself is something I am going to be eternally grateful for.

So, I have to start allllll over.. go back to the basics.. remind myself that I am THAT bitch, re-invest in myself, this timeline that I created for myself was based on everyone else’ growth and not my own.

I realized how insane it was of me to feel like that about myself when I have not only survived all the shit I’ve survived but because my own growth in the last 6months has been incredible.. even if, sometimes shit gets dark.

It’s okay to take time for yourself but its also okay to admit when you just don’t have anything else to give.. the right people will see it & love you through it.

More importantly, I was reminded that Just because it gets lonely when its dark it doesn’t mean that I am alone.

I am loved.

I am blessed.

I am HIGHLY favored.

Great things are coming, they're on the timeline that fits my life & that's okay.

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Incase you need a reminder: