I Choose Me

I’m really not even sure how to start today’s entry, hahah. Personally it’s too early to be drinking but by all means, grab a drink or whatever your vice is. To be honest this one isn’t heavy and that makes me really happy especially considering the last one.

I was on the phone with my brother Hugo last week and it had been a couple of weeks since we had last spoke, so we were catching up on how things were going. Your basic “how are the kids?” … “how’s work?” … “how’s baking going?”....

I started talking about how all the extra energy I’m putting into myself and baking has really put me in a solid place! *knock on wood* I’m happy but I’m still waiting for the shoe to drop. Lil’ Bit Bakehouse finally has a place on the map, its incredibly new but I’m pushing so many of my own boundaries and somehow it isn’t as overwhelming as I thought it would be. Somehow in the process of not getting recipes right I’ve learned to give myself some grace. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still the absolute hardest on myself in every way possible but there’s some grace now. No two pastries ever come out the same, it’s just not possible so many different things can change the entire outcome. In this chapter of life; I’m enjoying learning how NOT to make something in order to be able to learn how to do it the right way. I have taken on challenges that I never in my life even thought I’d attempt & for the first time ever I’m zeroed into my growth, my happiness & my baking.

Naturally, like I said before I’m waiting for everything to go south. In mentioning it to my brother we started talking about how that’s something that we’ve just conditioned ourselves to think, as if there really is a “too good to be true”. I’ve been sitting on this idea that as much as try to enjoy the good and the high moments I don’t allow myself to truly enjoy it it because somewhere some part of me believes that I don’t deserve it. The beauty in the grace that I’m beginning to allow myself (outside of the obvious) is that it comes with me believing that I do deserve the highs in the maximum ways possible. The more good things that come with a new point of view the more all of the things in my past that I didn’t give myself grace for come up. Before, I stayed in those dark moments for so long and there were so many little good things that now that I’m growing and getting uncomfortable I’m beginning to be able to really heal from them. By no means is any of it easy and it is a hell of a process but it’s one that I’m loving going through.

To bring back full circle, while I can do a lot of my baking while papi is in school, it of course takes my time from him while he is home as well. In the beginning he was struggling getting adjusted to the fact that even though I was home, I was distracted and busy more then before. As he has watched me make batch after batch and certainly heard some immediate frustration, he’s been growing in it all too. Before when I would explain to him that practice made progress he never really saw me go through it first hand. Until now, he’s become the one that constantly reminds me that I’m growing through it all and most importantly to give myself the grace I’m always telling him to give himself. There have been multiple times where he has approached me and reminded me that I’m not going to get it perfect every time and there’s beauty in that.

Everyday comes with its own battles whether in life or in my baking but more then ever before, I’m happy in my growth and my discomfort. Just like I deserve to really immerse myself in my highs completely, don’t forget to allow yourself the grace that you need and allow yourself to truly live in your highs because you deserve that.

Love always,

-- TheTipsyMami