Growth

“ Do you sometimes think that it’s too good to be true and just waiting for shit to hit the fan?”

A direct quote from a conversation between me & Samantha.. before we dive in, get you your drinks..

I’ve honestly been really excited for this post, I’ve taken in the last 24+ hours so personal, its been incredible. Now, I’m only stating this one time.. there will be truths on my end I have kept close to heart that will come out, I’m sure there’ll be tears maybe some laughs but in the end.. I just want it to be understood that the place that we ( me, Patrick & Samantha – Julian’s father & stepmother ) are in as far as our co-parenting goes is one that none of us imagined could exist in our situation… I Spent the 5th painting, making crystals & baking cookies with all three Gregory kids.. in case you’re not catching it.. that means that I had Julian’s sisters over. In a more personal aspect, that means that the other children of the man I was once in love with, were in our home.. in our safe space.. I fed them, loved them, laughed with them.. I let them sleep in my bed where I lay my head every night.. I had the absolute greatest time experiencing a very real part of my sons life.. quality time with his sisters.

Now, yes okay if we go back in time there was no way that I would’ve ever been okay with that. My relationship with Julian’s father was always a very fun and irresponsible and incredibly toxic one.. when things were solid, they were great.. but the slightest thing would happen and it would all go to shit.. we met through a mutual acquaintance and what was supposed to be meaningless ended up with us stuck for life. I learned all over again what the definition of “ forgiving an apology you didn’t get “ meant. Now, by no means was I perfect in the relationship.. at the end of the day it just wasn’t meant to be. Let me bring you back though to the reality of our lives that got us to this point, there was a lot of hurt and pain.

There is a misunderstanding that Julian wasn’t planned.. it certainly wasn’t the right timing in our lives but we spoke our son into existence. See, when the betrayal hit the first time it had completely rocked my world. He could do no wrong in my eyes, the type of father I got to see was one that was used more as a smoke screen to be able to lead the two different lives that were being led.

See, I’ve had my personal problems with Samantha, we have fallen out and semi-fixed things and fallen out again.. as much as I wanted to keep Sam and Patrick separate when Julian was around it pushed the situation to be one where his father wasn’t around at all. NOW before the bs starts, we all had to grow, we all had to forgive, we all had to get over it and find the true meaning behind what “raising” the kids meant to us.

For the longest time, I attacked myself for not being “good enough” to have been the one that gets to take the last name.. the one that when the day ends gets to say “I win”. I forced myself to find insecurities that didn’t exist to try and understand. I’m a very proud person, so I went to great lengths to tear apart who I was in every aspect that was Marina. In the midst of my self-destruction I was destroying so many relationships that had nothing to do with me. Having to find myself all over again had been one of the toughest things I lived through.. this is coming from someone who had open heart surgery four months after giving birth. I had to really take a look at myself and my faith and figure out how I was going to move forward. While I was trying to force myself to forgive Patrick I was completely missing and incredibly important piece to the puzzle, I had to forgive myself. I had to learn to love myself all over again. Which mean that I had to remind myself of exactly who I was. I had let my crown hit the ground and it was time to pick it the fuck back up.

Instead of trying to heal when I should’ve I spent so much time putting it off and spiraling into a person who I really can’t believe I ever was. I was bitter, I was heartbroken I was trying to keep up the appearance that I was okay when I really wasn’t. (Sidenote: I’m pretty sure no one believed I was okay they just didn’t want to say anything, I wasn’t really someone that could be approached easily to talk sense into).

I’m not taking away from what was done, I won’t ever forget it but I have been able to forgive it. I have been able to understand that what I thought I wanted isn’t what is meant for me. What was meant for me was my son, he fulfilled his life’s purpose by saving mine. Who am I to keep my son from anything that will grow him. Learning to trust Sam and Patrick really took some time, we had to let guards down with each other. We had to trust that the growth was real.. that this time, it is different and we are all doing it for the right reasons.

In a time where the world seems to be falling apart and there is so much negativity and so much pain it is our responsibility to make sure these kids are beyond loved, that they know they have a safe space to go to. That can see the three people in their daily lives get along, be there for each other and be able to be at peace.

I know it took Patrick time to be able to trust that I was no longer the vengeful, spiteful and bitter person I once was, I can’t really express how much it means to me that he was able to trust me with his girls. For Sam to be able to let both of the girls be at a new place for the first time with what is happening took a lot from her & I appreciate it.

I used to dream about being able to put the kids to bed together and kiss them all goodnight.. I never thought that even though it wasn’t meant to be between me and Patrick, I’d still get the privilege to tuck the kids in to bed together and kiss each of them goodnight.

None of us are who we used to be, the parents we are today are the exact ones our kids need.. sometimes, it doesn’t make sense from the outside.. trust me I get it. Sometimes it feels like its too good to be true, like its all just a façade. Then something will happen or one of the kids will say something and each of us is reminded that we created a reality for the kids that we never imagined we could.

The best part is that we’re only getting started. Julian gets to grow up close with his sisters because we chose to take a situation and grow in it.

It wasn’t easy, and it took a really long time but Julian’s 6th birthday is in a week, Sam and Patrick both have done their part in helping planning and making sure everything goes smoothly.. I’m thankful for our blended family.

Not every situation is the same, I just know that even though I wouldn’t want to relive the pain all over again, If I had to I would… 100Xover.