I Can't Breathe.

This one is hard, this one is going to be different.. while I don’t currently have a drink in hand ( lol its 11:30am ) I can guarantee you that by the time it comes to cooking dinner tonight I’ll still be stewing over this and having a drink. By all means, grab a drink.. or whatever it is that’ll help you take a deep breath as I jump into what I’m currently feeling and processing as the world fights for justice against the death of minorities in the hands of (or more specifically to George Floyd ) under the knee of white america.

Now I’m going to go ahead and address this so I can get to the important shit, I am an immigrant, I am a person of color, I live in a country that was not designed to place action behind the promises of defense we were given.. (if it isn’t something you know, my son is a black/Colombian & his sisters are black & white obviously making their father black) the connection to this hits home, everything I say is coming from the place I have in our community to feel personally attacked as well as the place our children have in the matter.

Lets shift gears a little bit now, we moved from Colombia to the US in March of ’99.. I was five years old, didn’t know any English.. all I knew were my brothers and my mother – shit, the first memory I have of my aunt and uncle that took us in while my mother got her footing be able to provide for us, is meeting my uncle at the train station when he picked us up. My first memories of feeling racism start in middle school.. let me set the scene a little bit, Bush was president and a war was created between Citizens and Immigrants (illegal or not). Again I’m not saying that’s when it started but its when I started to realize that I was living in a country that didn’t really want us here.. that the idea of “it’s better then where we are now” was backed up by getting called a spik or an alien.. that getting told that I don’t deserve to be here because I wasn’t born here.. that because English wasn’t my first language or because family members had an accent when they spoke English it was proof that we weren’t meant to thrive in America. I was 18 when I got pulled over and was specifically asked for my papers & not my license and registration.. I was asked why I didn’t have an accent when I spoke in English like “the rest of you”..

I grew up seeing color but was raised not to allow that color define the character of someone I came across.. a “yes ma’am” & “thank you” was always required because its respectful.. you say “excuse me” if you need someones attention and when you arrive you speak to everyone that is there & before you leave you say your graces and your goodbyes.. yet you can be respectful and still get shit on. You’re still going to be told that you are in a place where your life isn’t valued because you’re different.. you can drop down to the ground with your chest down, hands behind your back with complete LACK of resisting and still get a knee to the back of your neck for 7-9minutes slowly suffocating you and taking your last breath as you scream out for your mother.. now, before ya’ll start on the whole “not everyone is like that” mess – let me remind you of what IM TALKING ABOUT HERE, its about the lack of respect we get because we are different, because we are black, because we are Hispanic.

We’re told to stay calm when being faced with prejudice and our rights get violated as black men and women get thrown around like rag dolls.. we’re told that sitting quietly and peacefully without making noise gets the attention and DEMANDS OUR RIGHTS BE RESPECTED, actually works. There are heads of police departments being shown on social media pretending to be on our side – saying they want to walk with us not fight against us, that they have our backs in threading out the police officers that don’t know how to respect us or our rights EVEN THOUGH WHEN APPROACHED WE COWER DOWN AND MAKE OURSELVES DEFENSLESS HOPING ITS ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO KEEP LIVING.. only to get updated with the fact that shortly after the camera was off the police attacked like they promised they wouldn’t.

( again I am ONLY focusing on the ones against the black community and those of us that ‘don’t belong’ )

I am going to go ahead and let you know that I am typing this at home instead of being at a protest.. having a black/Colombian child I should be out there but my said child needs me to be home.. he needs me next to him, to guide him and grow with him and try and explain to him why the fact that he isn’t white makes him a threat. Just because I am not out there does not mean I am not playing my part, I have signed countless petitions and will continue to do so, I have and will continue to donate to bail funds as well.

My heart breaks for our communities, my heartbreaks for the police officers that are standing true to what they chose to stand for in life. Black men and women are SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED. As a minority WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED.

To those that are complaining about feeling “unsafe” out in the world right now.. I want to personally welcome you to our everyday lives.. we never know if we’re going to come across someone that believes we don’t deserve to be here like they do. We don’t know if the last time we speak to our families will be our last words, all Treyvon Martin wanted was some skittles from the store. As you fear going out for a jog in your city because you don’t want to get hurt, I welcome you to Ahmaud Arbery’ last moments of life before being gunned down in the street just because he went on a jog.

For those that have lost a loved one to the injustice hands of white America, I stand with you.

For my brothers and sisters in minority, I stand with you.

For the generation that is coming, the one that will live this again, I stand with you.

The change that our society requires is one that begins on the inside, I understand the riots I understand the protests – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.. if anything of the sort happens to my boy I'm DESTROYING AND FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.. in the same respect they’re gunning us down just for standing strong.. there are more bullets then lives they’re willing to take.. read that again.. let it sink in… there have been plenty of police officers make public statements with their intention behind doing their jobs.. the amount of bullets provided is overwhelmingly greater then their want to play God just ‘cause we’re different. I pray for safety over everyone that is putting their lives on the line for our rights to be respected.. I pray for peace for those who have lost loves ones, I pray for strength for our community as things get worse.. lets be honest, this is only the beginning.

I'm mad, I'm angry, I’m hurt.. I want it to be understood where we are coming from. I know I jumped around a lot and hell, I’m really not even sure if it makes sense but if you couldn’t wrap your mind around what's going on I hope it helped.. I hope you got mad, I hope you felt rage.. I hope you are able to sympathize.. without that.. white America will continue to take us out one by one without legal justification because we’re different.

Wake the fuck up – we are dying.

#BlackLivesMatter

#JusticeForGeorgeFloyd