Its okay not to be okay

I was really shooting for making my first post one that gave a background story of myself, gave a clear picture as to what I want for my blog and what I would like my readers (HAHA) to get from it ( that’s me laughing at myself not you ). Of course I’d go into detail about how I’m a single mother and I work full time and I exhaust myself and blah blah. As much as I would’ve preferred that, the way the last two days have gone for me changed the direction completely. I’d apologize for how heavy this could get but if I’m sharing my ugly truths its going to be all of them. Plus, you still have the option to exit the same way you entered.. as for me, well.. this is my life.

For a better part of last year I was on my antidepressants religiously, I’d get to work take my vitamins and take my medicine before our 9am meeting, knowing that by 10am I’d be set and emotionally stable enough to be able to deal with all that comes with my job, my work family, my family, my friends and of course my sons, now extended family. See, I like structure, I like to have a plan and be able to execute it perfectly, some would say I have control issues.. but I’m just not scared of saying that the unknown scares the shit out of me. While I have managed to make dealing with my mental health something that is normal for myself and anyone that deals with me. It doesn’t mean that its actually easy to deal with. There was a point after all the refills and the daily 5 pills (vitamins included ) where I was fed up with feeling like I had to rely on medicine for me to be able to function like a “normal” human being. So I stopped taking them.. now, I by NO MEANS am encouraging anyone reading this to do so.. it was probably really stupid stop taking them cold turkey how I did but I was all in, literally said “ fuck it, they’re expensive anyways I’m good.. I’ll be fine”. To be fair for the last 4-5 months I have been. If I’m being really honest, I’ve come across some life lessons that I managed to survive without my medicine. I certainly am proud as hell for that.

But here’s what I’m learning through this.. no matter how hard I try, there’s going to come a point where it all does add up eventually and the chemical imbalance starts to beat any situation that I’ve overcome before.

Two nights ago my anxiety had me tossing and turning.. now, for full perspective I have a strict bed time.. I’m in bed by 8:30 and better be asleep by 9:30 at the latest and I’m up between 6:30-7 am the next morning. So, when I was up every hour on the hour I felt it.. that thought that creeps in “fuck, I can’t relax.. damn anxiety”.. that thought left me with an hour and a half of sleep that night. Fast forward to my morning at work.. our 9am meeting goes great just as planned, Fox does the damn thing, energy is good in the office and everyone is excited for the day.. I grab my binder filled with my notes and start to round up the team leads and trainers as we have our own meeting. This was our first meeting just us, the first one where I felt like I needed to make sure everyone was heard, included and no one was going to leave pissed off ‘cause “Rina is a bitch now that she’s doing something different and she’s taking it too seriously”.. meeting goes smooth.. common sense is probably saying “okay so she’s tired but things are going smoothly at work so she’s fine” WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

I start going into panic mode, immediately I’m doubting my ability to all three parts of my job to my expectations as well as the expectations that I have convinced myself that those around me have set. Immediately I’m regretting not being on my antidepressants (My anxiety sets off my depression its hard to have one without the other especially considering my meds level both out.) But I do my best to stay calm and call my Doctor for my refill.. completely forgetting that anytime I ask for a refill she sees me because well, she knows how bad it can get and wants to make sure that she’s giving me the correct dosage.. while its frustrating I do love her for that. Luckily for me, my work family is INCREDIBLY understanding of how I can get so I got in order what I could and took the day.. waiting to hear from her so we could set our appointment.

Last night, didn’t sleep well again, I didn’t have my prescription I still hadn’t heard from my Dr and I knew that work was going to be overwhelming, just cause that was the tone I had already set for my day. Fast forward again to this morning, got up with a migraine that had me nauseous all morning, my son kept telling me I was sick and we needed to stay home ( that’s also him trying to be slick and get out of going to school ). I got my shit together stopped for my daily medium size bo-rounds, got some extra strength Tylenol in hope to maybe find a way to kick todays ass before it kicked mine. We get through our meetings and my Dr. finally calls me and sets our appointment for 3:20. My anxiety had me pushing to just go ahead and leave and wait until it was time at home, home is safe, home is calm, home is my space. But who the hell am I to let my anxiety drive me as if I hadn’t just gone MONTHS without my medicine while keeping my anxiety in check. Finally it was time ta-go I damn near sprinted to my car all to start driving and feel my chest get tight.

This was it, this was as far as I was able to get without my damn anxiety and depression controlling me. I had lost the battle, all the hard work was pointless.. all hard shit I had been through that I survived was complete bullshit because today I needed my medicine to be able to function.

“keep it together Rina, you’re being fucking ridiculous” echoed in my head as I sat waiting to be called and for my vitals to be taken before I could talk to my Dr.

As I sat on the grey thing with the paper crinkling under my every movement I broke down talking to her.. “I had done so good, I had gotten so far and now.. I have to take 10 steps backwards with my mental health because I’m not strong enough to be able to remain leveled and remain functioning on my own”

She asked the necessary doctor things “Are you thinking of harming yourself” I respond with a swift and quick “no” .. knowing that she knows my history with self-mutilation and it wouldn’t be completely out of my character to answer yes (welcome to my ugly truths).. immediately she smiles really big, stops the questions and starts explaining to me that my progress the last couple of months keeping myself leveled aren’t something that I’m allowed to take away from myself.. that I’m not taking any steps back by giving myself the upper hand in taking the edge off of everything that’s been building up. That’s not to say that I haven’t processed but that I need to accept that I’m nearing a breaking point.

Tomorrow I start taking my antidepressants again, its an extremely bittersweet feeling.. While I would of loved to be able to extend my time keeping myself in check, its not something that I can truly trust myself to do. I refuse to use my mental health as a crutch so I’m going to what I need to in order to keep myself and my life functioning.

Its hard, and its scary knowing that I can’t do it alone but who’s to say that after I’m good again I wont be able to go longer before needing to resort to my meds again.

If nothing else, I hope that the take away from all of this is that its okay not to be okay, shit gets heavy and if you’re anything like me and sometimes need the assurance that anxiety medicine or antidepressants give, its okay. Some days are harder then others but what is important is that you don’t stop. Always keep pushing.